Blah, Blah, part 2

Well, it's been a couple days since I've last confessed my current state of being, and with reluctant hesitancy, I can say that not much has changed. I've received some support from friends and fellow blogger's (you know who you are :)), and amidst the advice and support--I find no energy to even try. As one friend put it, I'm stuck in a funk and it feels like the walls are closing in. I use every bit of energy to keep myself afloat and that doesn't leave much to even have a desire to eat.

I've forced myself to do things to help keep my mind from it all, but with little success. I reach out to my saviour constantly, but they slippery slim covering my spiritual hands just doesn't hold. So I fall back down, sinking to a point where my arms are all I have supporting me. As if I were in a pool of quicksand, slowly sucking me down. I try not to move to slow the decent, but down I still go--I hear that's the survival technique in such an event.

Another sunny day outdoors, overwhelming darkness inside. My bulbs are lit, but shine very dim if hardly at all. I'm forced with a decision of what to do tonight. I know being with friends is probably best--but frankly, when I was down before after Jack died, being with friends didn't help the feelings inside. Staying at home, drowning in my thoughts is easy--perhaps adding to the misery; but a drunk driver would probably drive better than I. One spark from a dysfunctional driver may just send me into a ruthless crazy; now my misery affects others. How great a person am I?

Oh God, where art thou? I really miss your company.

Blah blah, and cloudy skies

It has been some time since I last written here, but rest assured, things have been well. Thanksgiving was great--spent a week in OH at my sisters house with her husband, nephews and my mom. Christmas came quick, but yet again--I had a great time. Spent time with two wonderful families amidst the storm of 15" of snow (rain in parts). Overall, life has just been peachy, but why now, do I sit drowning in such seemingly failure?

Did I not get the gifts I wanted for Christmas? Considering I didn't have a list to check twice, I got everything I wanted--time with people that matter to me. I also received a great many wonderful presents. So that cannot be it. I have a wonderful relationship with another--and that's going rather well, almost too well--but I'm not complaining. That doesn't seem to be it.

I've sat, rather laid, much of today just in this coffin of depression, self-worthlessness, and soaking up the cloudy skies even though the sun was quite brilliant today. I couldn't find joy, happiness in anything. Funny TV was blah. Sorrowful TV was blah. Motivation was non-existent. Positive encouragement from others just blackened by my mood--appreciated, but deflected by the cloud; hazed over and indistinguishable to my mind.

I hosted two people last night--that was great. The night came quick and they stayed the night--what a joy that was. Morning came and much like roaches to light, they scurried off leaving the food and drink behind. I know my own expectations weren't met, and probably added to the defeat I feel; but perhaps they were expectations set too high. Much like the food and drink prepared, my day was ground up and washed away.

I really don't know why I'm so blah. Two weeks to go and I'm off to Waveland on a mission trip I'm leading. While the planning has been good--I've just been so oppressed and downtrodden by it as well. Normally I'm just a wound ball of energy as service to the Lord comes near; this time around, I'm frankly feeling like I just don't give a hoot. Expectations too high?

I haven't a clue what my mind is up to. All I know is that whatever sun that normally shines on my life is blocked by black cloudy misery all covered with doubt and topped with a moldy cherry. Yea, I'm a bundle of joy--much like a bundle of hay that sat outside too long--dry and normal on the outside; decay and stink on the inside.

Stand Inside Your Love

The title reference of this blog is a song by the Smashing Pumpkins--a secular rock band that I just find awesome. This particular song is the best song by them that I have heard. I did a little analysis of it and thought I'd post a few of my comments from it.

On another level, it (the song) begs the question in my head--why doesn't one want to stand inside my love? I seldom let my mind explore this question as the first time I did this, it ruined the song for me as well as cast a huge shadow of doubt upon myself. It is a general question that plagues me daily--sometimes more than others, but a question that I continually try and turn over to God and let things be. I do my part, and pray for the rest. I cannot force another to love, much like God cannot force us to love Him. It wouldn't be a pure love--it would be a robotic, pre-programmed love that has no meaning. But to freely give of your love to another and to "stand inside" that love--how amazing is that!?!?! While I admit, I have had love for another; I don't know that I've actually stood inside that love. I stand within God's love daily and absolutely adore it; being continually showered by His grace, wisdom and so much more. How great a day it'll be when I can do the same with another; together--side by side; inside each other's love within Gods perfect love being surrounded and carrying us to places inside ourselves not able to journey alone!

Such a joy to find meaning in music--especially music not expressly written for God; but perhaps, all music is done in His name--but in ways just not fully understood or comprehended by those who write it, perform it, or even listen to it? Ummm....

Marriage and Relationships

This topic has been on my mind in a myrid of ways--both of them actually; but my focus here is on marriage. I've never been married; I've always thought I would be married--in fact, I perceived myself married by age 30; but that hasn't happened. It's been a "goal" in life--but I've never rushed it. My thoughts of late draw upon the "if" it'll ever happen. I have several friends that are in their 40's, single--never married; and that's great. I have several friends younger than I that are married--and that's great too. For me--this is serious, and I take it serious as I will only get one chance at this--for personal choice--in a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce, I am not going to be in that statistic; so I really evaluate my relationships that I'm in to determine (in some fashion or another) if this is whom I'll spend my life with.

Being 32 and single, some would speculate that perhaps it's not God's plan for me to wed. Well, my rebuttle to that is Genesis 2:24. There's another passage too, but I cannot pinpoint it--but it basically states that we were created for relationships--both marital and non. The non-marital category is a topic in itself; perhaps another day. So why am I still a bachelor?

Part of that answer stems from the fact that the majority of my "dating" years were spent looking for the wrong thing in women. Sure, they filled a void--but because they were human, that void quickly became empty and I went searching for the filler again. Until 4 years ago, I never completely filled that void--and to this day, the reason why is that it wasn't a void for a woman to fill. Jesus entered my life--and I accepted--and this void is now filled. With that being said--I've still have 4 years of "failure" in the "spouse race." Perhaps failure is too strong a word, but no less, I'm still seeking. Some relationships were ended by myself for reasons that didn't point to a future together; the remaining were ended by the other for reasons I'm not 100% sure on. So, being the seeker--I've looked to others for reflections of myself as well as inwards too. I've also prayed and really tried to keep my focus on Him, because through Him, she will be presented. But I still have to do my part.

In an attempt to better understand my part, I've signed up for this relationship class offered by WHC. It's a short class--just 4 weeks, but even after the first week and reading a fragment of the book for the class--wowzers; there's just so much I didn't realize--at least concretely. I'm sure I'll comment on that more; but geesh--it brings to question, do I even want to try?

The over-riding answer is "duh, of course." Genesis 2:24--remember; plus it's somehow innately built into me. After reading what little I've read on this subject--I'm appalled at those I know that successfully remained married--congratulations to you all!!! What a joy--and much continued work too. Jeepers. (hand clap to y'all; high 5! yea!)

Through my experiences, I have learned much about myself--amen to that as I'm not anything close to perfect; but so far from it, it's hard to even see myself as attractive--but I try. I'm no supermodel--and that's fine with me. I seek the inner being of her (helps if the outer is present too--honesty here); but there is just so much more. It's a challenge I'm up for because in His glory, her and I will be able to follow Him in unison--participating in His world and attempting to bring about His kingdom together. It'll be a mountain to climb I'm sure, but a ho-hum life without living up to His challenges just isn't me (nor should it be for any of us).

Sit

Thanks to all for your prayers and condolences concerning Jack--I am still sad about it, but God is with me and I am surviving. Oreo has been giving me much attention--and it's been quite a pleasure. I was originally going to write about something else tonight, but the Holy Spirit moved in my thoughts and I'm going to write about God for once, beginning with some lines from a book that struck me well.

Christianity doesn't begin with walking, it begins with sitting.

...sit down and enjoy what God has done for us--not to set out to try and attain it for ourselves.

We did nothing whatever to save ourselves; we simply laid upon Him the burden of our sin-sick souls.

Adam began his life with the sabbath; for God works before He rests, while man must first enter into God's rest, and then alone can He work.

I receive everything not by walking, but by sitting down; not by doing, but by resting in the Lord.

Hence, just as there is no need to wait for the initial experience of salvation, so there is no need to wait for the Spirit's outpouring. Let me assure you that you need not plead with God for this gift, nor agonize, or hold "tarrying meetings." It is yours not because of your doing, but because of the exaltation of Christ, "in whom, having also believed, ye were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise." This, no less than the forgiveness of sins, is contained in "the gospel of your salvation."

The secret of deliverance from sin is not to do something, but to rest on what God has done.

...to sit down is simply to rest our whole weight--our load, ourselves, our future, everything--upon the Lord. We let Him bear the responsibility and cease to carry it ourselves.

A meditation to explore: after reading Ephesians in conjunction with the "Sit Walk Stand" book, I came up with a mediation that really worked well for me; and it's similar to the analogy given in the book as well as the last quotation above. The passage I read was Ephesians 1 because I needed some support on who I am--I don't frequently question my position in Christ, but there are moments when I'm anxious or doubtful, and this process really eradicated those negative thoughts from my head.

Find yourself a chair you are most comfortable in. Bring your bible and sit in the chair and read Eph. 1. Don't just scan the chapter--but take in the words; take in the truth as it's written. While it's written to the Ephesians, replace that with you. It's written for you. After reading the chapter--just sit and capture those words. After a bit of time, re-read the chapter. What happens for you?

As I did this and let myself get involved in the words and my imagination, the chair disappeared and in its place, God's chest became the backrest, His legs--the cushion, and the arm rests were His arms holding the bible for me. It brings to memory the times I read books to my nephews, how they will sit upon my lap and just listen to the story--they trust in me as they sit upon my legs; and they are happy and content. The burdens I face melt away and my position in Christ, sitting upon the lap of God, is renewed.

Memoir of Jack

Black "Jack" Grudzielanek has moved on to lay upon the lap of Jesus. In his short eight years of life in my care, he has been an active little guy. He's had two brothers and a sister in his life, and was a great companion to both them and myself. Always a curious cat, he would greet my visitors with eagerness and love--always trying to give anyone his trademark "nose-kiss" with his damp, black nose. (Except for my two wonderful nephews who would chase him around Grandma's home.)

Upon arriving home from work Friday night, his health took a nose dive for the worse. While his condition left him to fall, stumble and lose his balance (refer to blog entry a few days prior), he no longer was able to walk more than a few steps without falling and his body would tighten with pain, as his heart-renching cry would indicate. In utter sadness, I watched him "get up" from his cozy blanket by the heat register by rolling off and crashing on the floor. I had prayed hard for Jack--I prayed for God to heal him, whichever way that meant--in an earthly fashion or a life in eternal catnip and people to walk upon, as he would frequently do when guests were over.

Friday night, I knew that Jack wasn't going to get well. I stayed up late watching TV mostly to spend the last remaining time I had with him stretched across my chest, purring and thwacking his tail. Around 12:30 or so, I setup some cushions around my bed and a "ladder" for him to get up or down since I knew he didn't have the energy to make the full leap to my bed; and to protect him if he wanted to get down. I snuggled with Jack all night long--he didn't move; neither did I. Upon waking up, I knew the worst for me was coming--that trip to the vet. I shed tears upon tears; trying to praise the Lord for my time with Jack--knowing full well, this was the last I was going to be able to hold him. I buried him with is brothers in the back yard, and am now faced with my house being that much more empty.

I am, without a doubt, going to miss Jack. Typing at my computer will never be the same without his 10 lb sleek, black body keeping my lap warm; feeling the reverberations of his purr on my legs; or his thumping tail as I would gently pet him. Watching TV or reading a book without him on my chest will cause me to miss him further. I am happy that he is with God now, for I know that God's care trumps mine, and I look forward to the day when I can be reunited with Jack and the others I had the privilege to care for.

I now seek prayers for Oreo--his sister that he had spent the last year with. When Jill suddenly left, Jack was alone in my absence, and I could hear his wailing cry as I approached the door--and then eagerly greeted when I walked through. I pray that she can cope without Jack around as I don't know if I'll get her another brother. I am now left with complete dullness to life; full aware that I am loved by God, but my joy is overshadowed with the loss of a wonderful son.

Friends: who are they really?

All throughout the weekend, beginning with Friday evening, I had this thought on my mind--brought on by contact, or lack there of, with friends. I let it sit for a bit because I wasn't really sure if I was just playing into some evil mind trick or what--so I let it be. The weekend went fairly well, but I was plagued with this thought pretty heavily Saturday evening, and it sent me to bed quite tired thinking about it. Again--I let it sit and prayed about it. Sunday, the sermon at church revitalized that thought--the sermon was rather good--(http://www.whchurch.org/) under sermons if anyone that doesn't attend wants to listen. After that sermon, my mind was elsewhere with other things I had to do; but then when I eventually returned home, I read a fellow bloggers entry that evening--and again, the friend thing popped up.

Her blog was very insightful and offered some supporting thoughts for myself when she talked about one of her closest friends and how she appreciates and would do anything for that friend. My initial reaction was--very cool, wow, I really get what she means; I too would love to express what she was able to about friends I have.

I'm pretty selective on the friends I have, or choose to have. I never really had a lot of friends, due to my upbringing--and those friends I did have were mostly women. Truly, I tell you--as a guy, women were so much easier to talk to--the topics were so much more interesting and involved as compared to the talk of the guys revolving around cars and sports. Neither of which I really find important, and couldn't relate. I have found a few guy friends that share my views--and that is great; the problem is developing those relationships, and others along the way--lends me to think, are they really "friends" or just wanting gossip information.

Ooh--that really riles me up--gossip that is. I've been a victim of gossip and it's just so wrong--biblically too. Rest assured, I don't talk much with people that I know are repeat gossipers. I joined facebook about a month ago--partially because I was bored, and also to get more connected to people and events--adding "friends" to my list has been fun, but I don't have nearly as many as some--I'm pretty selective on who I call a friend.

What troubles me, is the thought that is this or that person really a friend? When I talk to people I call friends--I share much about my life; but as the sermon pointed out, there needs to be a reciprocity in that relationship. Many times--I don't feel like it's there. I don't know if I'm just conceited or what--but there are a few friends that will talk to me here and there--almost as if they need some "dirt" about me or some situation I'm going through. I opened up to one such individual because the both of us were going through a similar situation; but to this day, I feel like the teeter-totter is tipped against me and it is as if this friend comes knocking when more information is needed about me or someone I know. And that troubles me. I truly care about this person and what the situation is--I think this person would be a great friend--but at this point, I'm pretty much closing up shop and letting it be.

Am I too empathetic? Does the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve leave me prone to unnecessary hurt? Am I naive? What's the blonde thing--too "easy"? (sterotypical, I know--forgive me) Am I too trusting? All this and more just rages on in my head--it's about the only sporting event I'm a part of--a rather active game of ping-pong. So far as I'm aware, Jesus was friendly to all--he was open with all; so in that tradition--I try to mirror that. Jesus was eventually nailed to the cross by those "friends"; is that my "fate" as well if I continue on this course (figuratively of course)? In my past life, this kind of stuff didn't bother me--now it does as my emotions are more developed, so it's really a struggle. My mind is at a point of stiffling itself and my heart putting up a shield to these "friends" I think I have. It doesn't feel right to do so; but is a friend really a friend if they don't equally share in the depth of the conversation or time spent involved as a friend? Perhaps more on this later...