What happened to me?

Upon a reddish-brown, leather couch framed with machined woodwork, covered with a multi-colored blanket he bought in Mexico, a man sits--legs up, back against an olive green pillow, resting. Upon this multi-color blanket purchased south of the border many ages since, a man sits staring out through the baked silica framed sash trimmed in white--peering at the world. Through the dirt-tinted glass, this man peers--watching the crossroads of This street and That avenue as the Richfield world streams by unaware of the man sitting; upon the reddish-brown leather couch, covered in a multi-colored blanked hiding the scratches of a cat sleeping in the ground--this man wonders--what happened to me? With his legs up covered by a blue, fuzzy fleece throw, gazing through the windows--he thinks what happened to me?

A man, rooted in Jesus--resting upon a couch, head propped up by the olive green pillow wonders what happened to me. He thinks to himself--this isn't the man Christ wanted to be. Full of despair, confusion, fleeting thoughts of pain, suicide; depression sets it--a man of Christ this doesn't seem to be. One would think, this man--rooted in Christ--would be happy and full of joy; peering through the glass with a smile across his worried face, enjoying the gifts granted him by Him. Upon the couch, head propped up--a man following his Teacher--how sick is he for once he had these things not feeling for he is a man rooted in Christ. What happened to me? Me to happened--What? The questions ping from one side of the dark chasm, pongs to the other as if some game is being played in his head on a green board outlined in white--back and forth, the ping-ponging goes--questions what happened to me.

Upon the reddish-brown couch, adorned with machined woodwork--a couch once desired, now covered by a multi-colored blanked purchased in a town south of the border, a man rests gazing at the world through dirt-tinted baked silica framed in white wondering, what happened to me. For he was not this way, nor desires to be this way--but still wonders what happened to me. Is this some cruel teaching to flounder through; a method to some madness not seen by himself--wouldn't seem the way for the Teacher to teach such a lesson of life. What happened to me? Sparked by life, changed by circumstances, blessed beyond belief, this man--resting upon the firm cushion wonders what happened to me.

Final thoughts

Last excerpt from my journal entry for my experience in Waveland MS:

All in all, the week went well. It was a multifaceted experience for me since I was dealing with a lot of spiritual and emotional stuff which attempted to affect my duties--with some success, but with some failure too. Am I glad I led the team? I'm glad I was able to bring 7 others, many first timers to the mission field, to experience life beyond MN. I haven't done a debrief yet, so I don't know what their experience was like--I hope it was positive. One team member asked if I was happy I came--my response was "I'm glad to have brought you all here." I don't have a sense of happiness about going to Waveland this year--probably because of what I was going through. It was nice to see a few people from last year and to help out Virginio. Would I have had to come to Waveland to get the same experience? Probably not specific to Waveland, but I think had I tried to do this at home in MN, I would have had other things come up distracting me from the experience. So, yes--physically leaving MN was a necessity to have this experience.

I did have an interesting conversation with the CLC director and the drivers for MDR as I was getting ready to pack up and shower. He asked me to pray about joining the volunteer staff in Waveland on a longer term position as project manager. I told him I'd think about it and went into a little bit of what I went through with being a leader for this trip as well as the connections I have in MN. I didn't get into the personal relationship I have, but I did say that monetarily wise, without God creating the opportunities, I wouldn't be able to do a long term venture as I have a mortgage and things of that sort. It is an interesting proposition though. Theorizing--would I do it if I didn't have anything preventing me from doing so? Perhaps. I believe my calling is to do missionary work, but for what length of time or where--I don't know. If I were unattached, financially stable--I guess I probably would; however, I am not any of those things. I'm involved with a beautiful woman that God has brought into my life and I believe that this is a priority in my life to develop this relationship fully more than what it is now. My bank account is rather small and I owe plenty to others. It is my aspiration that God would guide me and my family in this direction at some point in our lives--but for the time being, I don't think that I could do that now.

Lastly, it is nice to be able to talk about God without feeling shadowed by fear or any of the other crap I had been feeling. Perhaps my threat to the enemy has subsided and the target has been removed from my back?? If that's true, I welcome the peace and normalcy that I had prior to leading this trip; but I will miss the attention of the evil one for me to do good in this world.

Devotional: relationships

Excerpt from my journal today...

We had devotionals tonight--Carlos presided. He did very well, although he was rather repetitive and dragging things out a bit much. His message was about relationships and he did an interesting slide show that gave me some concrete visuals for the relationship I have with Christ. His slide show consisted of 6-7 slides of various pictures; a slide of fire, an ice berg, a desert scene, a night scene with clouds and a full moon; as well as an open pasture with sunbeams shining through the clouds. My mind focused on the relationship of myself and Christ and I answered the question by saying I'm all of these slides and have had moments of each of these pictures with Christ today. I felt like I'm on fire for Christ as well as my relationship is on fire; I've felt deserted in the desert--all dried up looking for that bit of life; etc., etc. All in the same day--and that has been the usual pattern, although some days are more desert, and some are more flowery. Perhaps this is the way I'm going to be from this point forward--transitioning between periods like these; and I'm generally okay with it--however, I'm tired of the whole show running in one day, every day. That type of transitioning really drains me and causes me to not be all that positive; and controlling the negativity can be hazardous to me as well as others. Overall--I don't know what the next day will bring, which landscape(s) I'll be in nor for how long. I like frolicking in the pastures with the warm sunbeams flooding my soul as well as breathing in the fresh scents from blooming flowers--I occasionally don't mind the walk in the desert either. What I'm tired of is the traversing the whole gamut in a matter of 12 hours or so--and that I struggle with.

Romans 8

So, the trip is going well--in spite of the ride I'm on. An exert from my journal today...

Romans 8 was an interesting read. The devotional was focused on 15 through 18, pretty much talking about our inheritance as children of God. While the devotional was interesting, my eyes caught on to versus 5 through 12, particularly because of the rollercoaster I'm on and the mood I was in. As I reflected on this bank of verses, I acknowledge I do have sin and commit sin, but I don't believe sin is the cause of why I'm so blah. Perhaps in some ways--sure, but I don't think so; when I commit a knowlingly sinful thing, I get a different conviction about it--but with the up and down state I'm in, I don't find that correlation, so yet I'm still lost on that one. Versus 6 and 7 stand out to me--"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so." While I believe my "condition" doesn't have a root cause in sin, my mind/body very much has the reaction similar to what this passage states as if I were. I feel hostile to testimonies about/for God, and I don't feel like I can follow His law because I'm hostile towards God--it's a round robin mentality in my head and I'm tired of it, but lack something to counter it.

The other part of Romans that caught my eye is Romans 7:21-24. (It was on the same page--forbid that I actually turn the page in this state of mind!) [Verses excluded for length] In this section of verses, I relate so well, aside from the sin that these versus center around. I feel that the more good I do, the more evil is there countering my moves sometimes knocking me off balance--in this case, the past four months I have been knocked off balance, stepped upon, smeared in the mud and any attempt to do good or even get out is met with heavy resistance and much denial, guilt and yada yada. I do internally delight in God and His desires for me; however, the more I try to walk that path the more crap I get and at times, I'm at a point of just giving up because I'm tired, weak and worn and just don't give a hoot. (and that's the nice talk in times like those) While I know I have recently sinned with my physical body--being in the state I am in, I almost don't care but really do--counterproductive thinking, I know. I'm working on it. However, like I said before, I don't believe this 4 months of utter "bliss" is rooted in sin as it all started with the question of leading a mission trip and things just snowballed from there--so I don't think I'm a prisoner to the sin in my members, but I do feel like a prisoner that Jesus won't rescue--despite my cries and moans of my love for Him. And I know He did rescue me already, so He really doesn't have to this time--but I feel like I'm out to pasture with no shepherd calling me in.

Verse 24 reads (and summarizes me at this point) "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?"

SSDD

So, yea--we made it to Waveland just fine. Spent the day travelling around seeing the aftermath and some rebuilding efforts. Was a decent, tired day. What follows is an excerpt from my journal entry today:

As I tried to stay awake during the church service today, what I received was a similar message from their pastor about turning things in life over to God and instead being joyous about life (Psalm 46 I think). While listening, I was also thinking of my own struggle and so much wanted to just do that, but I don't know why I cannot this time around. In some ways, I feel like I shouldn't have to--what's the phrase--"be a man, suck it up" comes to mind. I'm generally a turn-it over, let it be kind of guy--so what's up with me? When I think about the whole situation and turning it over, my appearance disguises the true nature of what's going on inside. I'm a torrent of tears; writhing in pain; twisted like a donut but without the sugar coating; my inner self desires for this to end so I can be joyous, but something is blocking my outer self to do so. I thought about talking with someone about it--the team perhaps, but quickly reasoned that I cannot. I'm the leader--leaders are strong and portray strength--admitting a fault shows weakness, and that I cannot do. Thinking more on who to share with, my twisted inner self gets even more soaked with cries of tears. I talk with God a lot about this, and I feel this pull inside to release it--but I won't let go. WHY??? Not sure--some brainstorming ideas: fear of what I'll become, angst of losing a part of me are a couple thoughts I had--self-centered, self serving, I know.

Just a snippet of a long journal entry for today. May tomorrow bring some rays of hope and inspiration.

Zoom zoom

God is Great! And so are the friends around me! The oppression surrounding me has lessened of late--not gone, but I'm doing pretty well. I'm currently co-pilot in the RV watching the road with one of our drivers and listening/watching Hotel Rwanda on the TV. Somewhere in Iowa, I sit here updating all of you that I'm doing well.

But, I do have such reluctance to say that what remains clouding me isn't ideal. I feel like a pregnant woman--my emotions and head fluctuating between utter joy to just what the heck. At this moment, I'm in a state of nothing; just trying to enjoy the ride and talk to people on the team as we head to Waveland MS to do some work for God.

Waveland, MS was struck with the eye of Hurricane Katrina four years ago and suffered severe damage to much of the town. I went down there last year and did some work on a married couples home--as we were leaving that week, we received news that she had just received a fresh, clean, drinkable water hookup to her temporary housing--three years after the devastation. I was flabber-gasped; that just doesn't happen in the great US of A, at least in my little vision of the USA it didn't. But on that week, teaching 4-5 women how to mud and tape sheet rock, we developed a meager relationship with this homeowner and heard her story and felt her devastation. On Friday, we furthered progress on her home to the point of paint readiness. A couple of women from the team took our homeowner to Wal-Mart to pick out paint colors and get paint for the next round of volunteers--you wouldn't believe the amount of joyful tears and beaming smiles from her; soon, very soon, she can hopefully live in the house she once did; I'm looking forward to stopping by and visiting with her this year.

I'm not sure what this trip will bring. I don't know what God has in store for me or the team. He can be mysterious--but also quite revealing once we accept His ways and His timing. I'm still struggling with the trip myself, mostly from a spiritual aspect; but also from an aspect of my thoughts being with those back home. I'm sure it'll b e a difficult trip but I look forward to the experiences yet to be presented. I will try and keep this updated this week--as the spirit leads.