SSDD

So, yea--we made it to Waveland just fine. Spent the day travelling around seeing the aftermath and some rebuilding efforts. Was a decent, tired day. What follows is an excerpt from my journal entry today:

As I tried to stay awake during the church service today, what I received was a similar message from their pastor about turning things in life over to God and instead being joyous about life (Psalm 46 I think). While listening, I was also thinking of my own struggle and so much wanted to just do that, but I don't know why I cannot this time around. In some ways, I feel like I shouldn't have to--what's the phrase--"be a man, suck it up" comes to mind. I'm generally a turn-it over, let it be kind of guy--so what's up with me? When I think about the whole situation and turning it over, my appearance disguises the true nature of what's going on inside. I'm a torrent of tears; writhing in pain; twisted like a donut but without the sugar coating; my inner self desires for this to end so I can be joyous, but something is blocking my outer self to do so. I thought about talking with someone about it--the team perhaps, but quickly reasoned that I cannot. I'm the leader--leaders are strong and portray strength--admitting a fault shows weakness, and that I cannot do. Thinking more on who to share with, my twisted inner self gets even more soaked with cries of tears. I talk with God a lot about this, and I feel this pull inside to release it--but I won't let go. WHY??? Not sure--some brainstorming ideas: fear of what I'll become, angst of losing a part of me are a couple thoughts I had--self-centered, self serving, I know.

Just a snippet of a long journal entry for today. May tomorrow bring some rays of hope and inspiration.