Blah, Blah, part 2

Well, it's been a couple days since I've last confessed my current state of being, and with reluctant hesitancy, I can say that not much has changed. I've received some support from friends and fellow blogger's (you know who you are :)), and amidst the advice and support--I find no energy to even try. As one friend put it, I'm stuck in a funk and it feels like the walls are closing in. I use every bit of energy to keep myself afloat and that doesn't leave much to even have a desire to eat.

I've forced myself to do things to help keep my mind from it all, but with little success. I reach out to my saviour constantly, but they slippery slim covering my spiritual hands just doesn't hold. So I fall back down, sinking to a point where my arms are all I have supporting me. As if I were in a pool of quicksand, slowly sucking me down. I try not to move to slow the decent, but down I still go--I hear that's the survival technique in such an event.

Another sunny day outdoors, overwhelming darkness inside. My bulbs are lit, but shine very dim if hardly at all. I'm forced with a decision of what to do tonight. I know being with friends is probably best--but frankly, when I was down before after Jack died, being with friends didn't help the feelings inside. Staying at home, drowning in my thoughts is easy--perhaps adding to the misery; but a drunk driver would probably drive better than I. One spark from a dysfunctional driver may just send me into a ruthless crazy; now my misery affects others. How great a person am I?

Oh God, where art thou? I really miss your company.

Blah blah, and cloudy skies

It has been some time since I last written here, but rest assured, things have been well. Thanksgiving was great--spent a week in OH at my sisters house with her husband, nephews and my mom. Christmas came quick, but yet again--I had a great time. Spent time with two wonderful families amidst the storm of 15" of snow (rain in parts). Overall, life has just been peachy, but why now, do I sit drowning in such seemingly failure?

Did I not get the gifts I wanted for Christmas? Considering I didn't have a list to check twice, I got everything I wanted--time with people that matter to me. I also received a great many wonderful presents. So that cannot be it. I have a wonderful relationship with another--and that's going rather well, almost too well--but I'm not complaining. That doesn't seem to be it.

I've sat, rather laid, much of today just in this coffin of depression, self-worthlessness, and soaking up the cloudy skies even though the sun was quite brilliant today. I couldn't find joy, happiness in anything. Funny TV was blah. Sorrowful TV was blah. Motivation was non-existent. Positive encouragement from others just blackened by my mood--appreciated, but deflected by the cloud; hazed over and indistinguishable to my mind.

I hosted two people last night--that was great. The night came quick and they stayed the night--what a joy that was. Morning came and much like roaches to light, they scurried off leaving the food and drink behind. I know my own expectations weren't met, and probably added to the defeat I feel; but perhaps they were expectations set too high. Much like the food and drink prepared, my day was ground up and washed away.

I really don't know why I'm so blah. Two weeks to go and I'm off to Waveland on a mission trip I'm leading. While the planning has been good--I've just been so oppressed and downtrodden by it as well. Normally I'm just a wound ball of energy as service to the Lord comes near; this time around, I'm frankly feeling like I just don't give a hoot. Expectations too high?

I haven't a clue what my mind is up to. All I know is that whatever sun that normally shines on my life is blocked by black cloudy misery all covered with doubt and topped with a moldy cherry. Yea, I'm a bundle of joy--much like a bundle of hay that sat outside too long--dry and normal on the outside; decay and stink on the inside.