Blah blah, and cloudy skies

It has been some time since I last written here, but rest assured, things have been well. Thanksgiving was great--spent a week in OH at my sisters house with her husband, nephews and my mom. Christmas came quick, but yet again--I had a great time. Spent time with two wonderful families amidst the storm of 15" of snow (rain in parts). Overall, life has just been peachy, but why now, do I sit drowning in such seemingly failure?

Did I not get the gifts I wanted for Christmas? Considering I didn't have a list to check twice, I got everything I wanted--time with people that matter to me. I also received a great many wonderful presents. So that cannot be it. I have a wonderful relationship with another--and that's going rather well, almost too well--but I'm not complaining. That doesn't seem to be it.

I've sat, rather laid, much of today just in this coffin of depression, self-worthlessness, and soaking up the cloudy skies even though the sun was quite brilliant today. I couldn't find joy, happiness in anything. Funny TV was blah. Sorrowful TV was blah. Motivation was non-existent. Positive encouragement from others just blackened by my mood--appreciated, but deflected by the cloud; hazed over and indistinguishable to my mind.

I hosted two people last night--that was great. The night came quick and they stayed the night--what a joy that was. Morning came and much like roaches to light, they scurried off leaving the food and drink behind. I know my own expectations weren't met, and probably added to the defeat I feel; but perhaps they were expectations set too high. Much like the food and drink prepared, my day was ground up and washed away.

I really don't know why I'm so blah. Two weeks to go and I'm off to Waveland on a mission trip I'm leading. While the planning has been good--I've just been so oppressed and downtrodden by it as well. Normally I'm just a wound ball of energy as service to the Lord comes near; this time around, I'm frankly feeling like I just don't give a hoot. Expectations too high?

I haven't a clue what my mind is up to. All I know is that whatever sun that normally shines on my life is blocked by black cloudy misery all covered with doubt and topped with a moldy cherry. Yea, I'm a bundle of joy--much like a bundle of hay that sat outside too long--dry and normal on the outside; decay and stink on the inside.