Romans 8

So, the trip is going well--in spite of the ride I'm on. An exert from my journal today...

Romans 8 was an interesting read. The devotional was focused on 15 through 18, pretty much talking about our inheritance as children of God. While the devotional was interesting, my eyes caught on to versus 5 through 12, particularly because of the rollercoaster I'm on and the mood I was in. As I reflected on this bank of verses, I acknowledge I do have sin and commit sin, but I don't believe sin is the cause of why I'm so blah. Perhaps in some ways--sure, but I don't think so; when I commit a knowlingly sinful thing, I get a different conviction about it--but with the up and down state I'm in, I don't find that correlation, so yet I'm still lost on that one. Versus 6 and 7 stand out to me--"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so." While I believe my "condition" doesn't have a root cause in sin, my mind/body very much has the reaction similar to what this passage states as if I were. I feel hostile to testimonies about/for God, and I don't feel like I can follow His law because I'm hostile towards God--it's a round robin mentality in my head and I'm tired of it, but lack something to counter it.

The other part of Romans that caught my eye is Romans 7:21-24. (It was on the same page--forbid that I actually turn the page in this state of mind!) [Verses excluded for length] In this section of verses, I relate so well, aside from the sin that these versus center around. I feel that the more good I do, the more evil is there countering my moves sometimes knocking me off balance--in this case, the past four months I have been knocked off balance, stepped upon, smeared in the mud and any attempt to do good or even get out is met with heavy resistance and much denial, guilt and yada yada. I do internally delight in God and His desires for me; however, the more I try to walk that path the more crap I get and at times, I'm at a point of just giving up because I'm tired, weak and worn and just don't give a hoot. (and that's the nice talk in times like those) While I know I have recently sinned with my physical body--being in the state I am in, I almost don't care but really do--counterproductive thinking, I know. I'm working on it. However, like I said before, I don't believe this 4 months of utter "bliss" is rooted in sin as it all started with the question of leading a mission trip and things just snowballed from there--so I don't think I'm a prisoner to the sin in my members, but I do feel like a prisoner that Jesus won't rescue--despite my cries and moans of my love for Him. And I know He did rescue me already, so He really doesn't have to this time--but I feel like I'm out to pasture with no shepherd calling me in.

Verse 24 reads (and summarizes me at this point) "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?"