Ahh

Breath in...exhale...ahh. Today is Sunday--well, it's almost sunday evening, and it's been a pretty good sunday. Yesterday I volunteered with the DNR and Boston Scientific cleaning up a portion of Pig's Eye Island in S Saint Paul. Amazing amount of crap in the river that had been lodged on the island. Apparently this island is a refuge for birds, cranes and the like, so it's one of the many areas important to keep clean. We collected about 150 cubic yards of trash in 3 hours time from a very small area of the island. I personally hauled a semi-truck tire, a car tire, 55 gallon plastic drum, and filled about 5 large garbage bags of styrofoam (cups and packing materials), plastic and glass bottles and just other miscellaneous debris. As a citizen of this state/country--I'm ashamed at lack of concern everyone has for this great creation. However, it is what it is, and all I can do is praise God and help keep things clean. Afterwards, I did some miscellaneous things around the house and hung out with friends at a nice, warm bonfire. It was a decent saturday, even though the cloud of oppression surrounding my head was very much there.

Today though, I didn't acknowledge the cloud. I woke up earlier than planned, and with some time before service, I played piano--it was a great way to wake up this morning. I met with friends before and after service, and I had a great time. The cloud wanted to rain on me, but it didn't and I didn't even bring the umbrella. A large lunch with friends sent me home with more food than I should have eaten, but now I'm set for the evening!!

As I drove around, I wondered why today was better than Friday. I couldn't really answer that completely, but I think it has something to do with my understanding of my emotional self. Prior to Christ, emotions were silly to me--sure I laughed and cried, but I think that was mostly to fit in and not be so stoic appearing. After Christ, and it's been 4 years, understanding emotions and the impact they have on me has been, well--it's been interesting. My lack of understanding them has caused problems for me and relationships; I was either too this or too that, and sometimes that was too much or too little pending the feeling. I think that this cloud that shadows my days is one that is trying to keep me in that too much/too little analytical state--cutting me off from enjoying life. While I don't fully understand myself--and perhaps never will--I think what I felt on Friday and prior days is normal??? Not really sure though. It's a mystery to me--but one that I continually seek His guidance and wisdom on regardless of the cloud hovering over me. I have to kick myself though, because honestly--I truly believe that because of my lack of inner-understanding, I've ruined a great many things in my life--and I regret a lot of things I've done/said ... (pardon me a sec...)

I know I'm not perfect--I never will be and I'm fine with that. Oh, I dunno what to say--this internal pain is great; weaping inside. I don't do everything perfect, but I try. I don't mean to be so this or that, and I'm trying. I fear that by the time I even begin to "get it", my life will be in the heavens with God--and that hurts because my heart is huge and my desire to share life with another in His presence is strong. Not with just anyone either. Augh, geez--I just need to stop.

Thanks for listening, my counseling world.