Sigh

Let me do that again--sigh. This won't be a traditional blog entry, but I just feel so blah. I just returned from a christian singles gathering--it was quite fun; but flagged with questions of how I'm doing and the like; and while my response has been "Oh, I'm hanging on" just isn't cutting it for me. I think my new response will be "That question can be answered on so many tiers--which would you like?" While I have been home a lot because work is slow (may have a job next week???), I've been keeping busy with small groups and a class, but when I really think about it, I'm rather lonely. On the most important tier--I'm happy and loving God; no issues there--it's the rest of the tiers that just suck.

I feel like such a cloud of oppression decending on me. Most happiness and joy aren't there. Self-view is pretty crappy right now. I feel like giving up on even trying anymore. I feel like people I view as friends are really not and just being nice, conspiring even. Maybe I ask for too much from friends?? I'm sure this is probably just something that'll pass, but who knows for sure. Why did God give me such a heart for people when people don't want it? I serve Him because it's what I'm called to do and I enjoy it; but in the end, I'm right back where I started and that just is how it is right now.

My most prominent thought is to walk away; return to the life I had before Christ. In that life, I didn't know real happiness and joy so therefore, I wasn't always so down even though I always was, but didn't know better. I reach out to people--family, friends; and am met with silent phone messages, or invitations out of guilt or acceptance because certain people aren't going to be there. While my arms wide out aren't chopped off, they sure are getting heavy, and I feel like I should just pull them in and be.

I dunno anymore.