What I do: seek

Seeking. What does that mean? I entitled my blog as "Seeking" because that is what I am; it is what I do; it is an attempt to utlizie the gifts granted me to further the Kingdom; it is attempting to follow Christ and resist the enemy; it is an active-passive role; it keeps me off the permanent couch and into the arms of the world.

Some seek a more passive-active role, defined in many ways--contentment, waiting, listening, etc. While all are equally good and none better than the other, I chose to seek, while others are less prone to seeking. I don't just sit around thinking and watching--I do these things, yes--but I'm usually wrapped up in something else too; something that is probably helping me sustain a worldly life while my heart is seeking an eternal one. I seek to repay my debt and attempt to not incur more; I seek to further my knowledge instead of letting it go to mush; I seek to better the life I have so that I can be polished and honed by God into a pleasing child to him--even though I already am (that's more of a self-obsessive thought); I seek to find my Eve; I seek His healing; I seek to make my friendships solid and meaningful and not just some name to a face that I see every so often--but even a verbal friendship is a treasured gem, it doesn't all have to be physical.

I continue to seek and I'm continually trying; failing. I fall off the Horse of Christ, into the cesspool of stinky, decaying mud; and even get stamped into it by those that seek me because of Him. In my hurt and pain, my Horse pulls me from the mud; drags me across the fresh, leafy-laden ground--not looking anything like I am--and washes me off at the Trough of Life, ready for me to be carried onward. It's not a simple ride; I have to seek to hold on; I have to seek to remain atop that Horse amidst the thorny branches and low-hanging limbs; I have to seek the confidence that He knows that I don't; I have to seek His love and then share it. I don't proclaim to be great at seeking--I get astray far too often; but in those wanderings, I realize the importance of those things I sought, for I cannot live without them even though I don't always feel like I'm worthy of them.

It's an active role--not one that i chose to give up amidst the faults it contains and failures I've made. In some of my seeking--I do have to wait; sometimes enjoying the ride is part of the seeking--it doesn't always have to be a challenge even though I can make it that way. But it does involve constant persistence and an ever changing mind and heart; for I believe that God wants me to always be seeking and not just chewing on my nails.